Mask Off

I’ve said “I’m fine” so often, I’ve forgotten how to say how I really feel. Think of it as living all your life with a mask on and forgetting there’s a face underneath. I’m trying to steer away from that phrase because there are times when I’ve said it and I didn’t mean it. I could literally be waging at war within and you ask how I’m doing and with a straight face my response is simply “I’m fine”. No, no, no!

Growing up my family was heavy on a child staying in a “child’s place” or even “what goes on in this house stays in this house” and everything that went on inside of those four walls or within the family was silently killing me. I was exposed to so much at a young age. Much more than many are aware.

Some things I overheard.
Some I witnessed.
Some I’ve experienced alone.

When asked that question, deep down I do want you to know how I feel but at what cost?
Be honest, do you even care for real or are you just here to collect data?
Do I want to burden you with my truth?
Will it get back to my family?
Will it mess up the family image that they’re so desperate to protect?

As I’ve gotten older I’m having to be patient with myself and honor those “I’m not okay” moments. Whether they be minutes or days, they are inevitable. So now when you ask how I’m doing, please be patient with me as I’m trying to learn how to answer honestly. I’m still unlearning everything I was taught to hide.